P1 - Birth to Death and Back

--- Part 1 ---
Birth to Death and Back
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Chapter 1
My story must start when I was a baby. It seems the spirit world always had a strong desire for me. I was a fairly difficult child to conceive but was born in Kingston Jamaica June 25, 1976. I also had grand-mal seizures when I was still a baby (that will play a part in my story later).

Shortly after I was born one of my many uncles fell deeply in love with me. He was at that point unable to conceive of a child himself and in a way, I became like his own son. He spent hours with me day after day. Rocking me, talking to me, or just observing my movements as I learned how to operate in this strange world. Others at that time would also see a unique calling on me and mention it to my parents; I still don't really know why. As I said before, my Uncle Glen was a man who desperately wanted a son and could not have one. He was also deathly afraid of planes, and rightfully so. Within only a few months of my birth he was killed on impact when a plane he was traveling in collided into the side of the Blue Mountain. Death was instantaneous. My immediate family and I knew he was dead long before dental records identified his body because his "spirit" would knock on the front door and ask my mother if he could see me one last time. My mother diligently argued with him every night and refused to let him in the house for weeks. Eventually, she gave in and let him in once, to observe me in my sleep. (If this seems far fetched wait until you hear the rest of my story. This is just the beginning.) After a period that night, my mom encouraged him to leave and would not let him in again. He still showed up every night until my mother and a few friends resolved the situation by encouraging him to "move into the light" and not listen to his fears surrounding it. Glen was not a Christian and he was never seen again after that day - 1976.

As I grew up, strange things continued to happen. I had a familiar spirit that I would share my toys with. I remember she was a little girl who always wore the same dress every day. She was pretty quiet and easy to get along with. When the house was quiet I would also consistently hear voices calling my name. I remember my mother bathing me one day in the tub when shivers and deep fear permeated my body as I heard a cast of familiar voices saying slowly, ominously, and persistently "Damian". "Damian". "Damian." It was almost like a demonic horror flick. I was only two years old, and deathly afraid of what stood around the corner. My mother comforted me.

We soon moved to Canada (for political reasons) and as I grew a little older I began honing my clairvoyant "gifting" by doing exercises like having my younger brother flip a coin and predicting what face would show. Within a short time, my accuracy grew to 78 - 95%. For the first 30 flips I was 95% accurate then as I fatigued it reduced to about 78%. I always won at poker. I knew when to risk, but could not fully read the cards. I never played the odds. I played intuition. When I flipped dice, I could manipulate which side faced up. I could read half a deck of cards by the time I was in college. The list goes on but I will stop there.

As I grew up I continued to feel the strong protection of God's hand on my life. For instance, when I was about seven years old I was breaking the rules by scaling a rock cliff over 100 ft high. At the base of the cliff was treacherous, swift-running water. About halfway through my trip I found myself standing on a thin ledge and falling back with nothing to grab on to. When I reached the point of balance where I knew I was going to fall and there was no hope, I felt a strong gust of wind and was pushed safely back onto the rock face. The people I was with were astonished. I felt the hand of God holding me. Protecting me. Because of this experience, I quickly became an "adrenaline junky" and have the scars to prove it. I should be dead many times over from some of the stunts I have pulled; but deep down I knew that God would protect me - He always has. I entered into two fights in grade school. I had a fairly wimpy build so some kids assumed they could pick on me, and to a certain extent, I let them. In the two occasions I retaliated, the kids just pushed too far. The first fight I won fairly easily. The second was two on one. Both kids were older than me and I was cornered within the crowd of onlookers. In this fight I somehow used martial arts to defeat them both - at that time in my life, I had not been trained in martial arts!! The fight ended with me flipping one over my shoulder onto the ground in front of me. At that moment "seeing red" I had to stop my self from reflexly delivering a killing blow to his neck. I was going to put my fist through his ribs when I felt my "aura" broken from behind. I spiritually timed my turn, and with my eyes completely closed, fisted my opponent in the temple with a spinning hook punch. The hit destroyed his glasses and bloodied his face. Immediately he ran away. When I turned, my other opponent fled in tears. The reason why I mention this is that part of my heritage is Chinese. I believe that because of this lineage there have been intergenerational spiritual effects transferred into my life. I am sure somewhere in my ancestry there were many martial artists. I sometimes had to fight spirits in my dreams (in a martial arts sense). When I was in college I believe some of my nocturnal battles were life threatening.

When I was growing up I would often feel spirits staring down at me as I lay in bed trying to sleep. They would enter my room and greatly intimidate me. I learned to erect energy shields around myself for protection from them. I was becoming a Jedi Night in many ways. When I was growing up I also used a Ouija board with a friend on a couple of occasions. Because of this activity, I believe I opened myself to receive certain familiar spirits that affected my life (this will play a role in my story later).

By the end of high school, I was writing a book of reflections containing my thoughts of the universe and questions that only God could answer. I still amaze myself when I see the wisdom of the words I wrote from that time.

Chapter 2
Here is where my story really begins. It was my final years in high school. I was facing many difficult decisions in my life. Mainly what to do with it. I was entertaining either mastering New Age healing (shiatsu, cranial-sacral, therapeutic touch, etc.), professional music or computer programming -taking after my father. I was busy organizing and running major events on the schools organizational counsel, and my grades were as they always were. Frustratingly low. For months the thoughts and questions from my "reflections" book of thoughts had left my mind spinning in circles. I so desperately wanted answers to my questions that one night I did the unthinkable. I stopped my heart from beating. That particular night was one of the lowest nights in my life. Frustrating thoughts and memories had been plaguing me continually for days. By the time this night came, I was in a depressed enough state to be uncaring of my own welfare; and in an attempt to get some answers, I used my well-honed mind control skills to "flat line". I finally chose to follow through with what I had been entertaining for months. As I began to slow my heartbeat to a final halt, I heard for the first time the blood that tirelessly ran through my body. The noise was almost like a mechanical clock spinning and whirling inside my head. It grew in intensity with each passing moment eventually becoming deafeningly persistent, extremely distracting and truly aggravating. I quickly became disgusted with my inefficient and noisy physical body. I craved the peace that existed in the silence of my spirit. Just hearing the never-ceasing beat of my heart and the deafening noise within my ears became so upsetting that a part of me began to cry for it to stop; and within almost an instant of that desire, my heart finally rested. In an instant, there was true silence. For the first time in my life I heard nothing of my flesh, but only my surroundings. I didn't even hear the monotony of my lungs inhaling or feel the discomfort of my diaphragm flexing. It was exhilarating! Blissful. I could hear a pin drop in a room next to me. I could hear a mouse squeak in the basement. In fact, I did hear the furnace running two stories under me. A sound that normally only could be heard from the basement when beside it. It felt wonderful! My body was dead but my mind was alive. Then dizziness hit me. Severe dizziness. I felt that if my eyes could open, everything would be spinning so rapidly that I would see only a blur. Picture severe drunkenness and multiply it by about 10. I knew I was falling into the next stage of death. I saw a vision of a stiff, mannequin-like body falling down a dark endless shaft. Slowly turning as it descended. In the silence, I began to hear rushing noises all around me as I increased speed. I was passing through a tunnel not knowing where it led. Then I landed. The dizziness stopped and I was standing in an unknown land. I did not know what to think. I just knew this was the real thing. I was dead. It was nothing like a fluffy "embraced by the light story". It was real. Too real. Within moments after I got my bearing, I noticed a countdown in my mind. In a way, I saw the numbers of a digital clock in the sky counting down from twenty seconds. I intuitively knew this was the time I had left before it became impossible to return. It was then that I realized the true severity of what I had just done. Twenty seconds did not seem to be enough time and I knew the longer I waited the harder it became to go back. I looked around and saw just open night sky. All other spirits seemed to ignore me as they went about their business. I still heard the white noise of the tunnel that I entered through. The tunnel was still there in the sky.

"Where was God?" "Why does this feel vaguely familiar?" "I must have been reincarnated!" "This is too familiar." I navigated around for a second or two at the speed of thought and realized in the distance there was an open library. A library in the sky without walls. The countdown continued [18,17.] In a blink of an eye, I was within the confines of this learning area and I came to the understanding that this area contained all of the answers of the universe. I was so elated! [16.] I opened myself to the knowledge gate and answers began to play through my mind like the pictures in the movie, "The Lawnmower Man". I saw pictures and diagrams of our entire universe being created and all the fabrics within it. I began to see wisdom and knowledge of man and spirit. I even saw "Einstein's Theory of Relativity" and understood holes in the theory as true spirituality had the real answers (they were big). I began to truly understand everything and it was bliss. I wanted to take all of the knowledge I could back with me, but I knew that this knowledge was knowledge of the spirit and could not be taken back into my little material brain. I would have to stay dead and be with God in order to keep it forever and I wanted that. I was enjoying myself so greatly. I wanted to stay for a long time. But then another knowledge hit me.

I stepped back from the books [The clock read 12.] and immediately realized I had three choices. The voice of (what I thought to be) God spoke directly to my heart. It said "1)You can stay here for a time and then be judged like all the rest; 2)you can go back and return to your life, or 3)you will come now and be judged and begin your true eternal life." I now had to decide. [11.] Time was running out. The thought of being immediately judged partly appealed to me because I would love to be in heaven, but also absolutely horrified me because my spirit had a knowledge of where I would probably end up--- hell --- I wasn't ready. Even though I was a really good guy. I definitely wanted to be sure of my destination first. I needed to repent on earth and accept God somehow, even though I did not as of yet know-how. The first option also sounded appealing, but if I chose to stay here it would be nice for a while - Maybe 100 years or so? (Child's play compared to true heaven), and then I know where I would end up. The second option of going back to life, as unappealing as it was, seemed to be the wisest.

I believed this reality I was presently in was where my uncle was when he spoke to me. I believed that it was in this world I could somehow go back to earth in spirit form and become what some called an 'Earthbound spirit' or ghost. But I did not have the time to explore that option, I would just be judged anyway. For some reason the illusion of reincarnation didn't seem too viable at that point in time; it took me years to find out why. I will explain it later. I will also explain why it was so familiar. Read on.

Chapter 3
Going back to my options. It is interesting that even though I followed 'Eastern Philosophies', the choices that were given to me reflected the teachings of the Christian Bible. I re-thought my three options again. Trying my chances at being judged seemed somewhat appealing because I knew about God, and after all I was a pretty nice guy. I knew my judgment would be fair and just, that I would be able to argue my case if needed and that the decision made would make complete sense to me afterward. But my wisdom kicked in and showed me that no matter how nice of a guy I was, there was still not much of a foundation to stand on. As the Christian Bible says, I needed to truly accept Christ (though, I didn't fully know what that meant at the time). You may completely disagree with that last sentence, but it is 'Truth' and everyone upon our deaths will know the 'Truth'. No matter what you believe there is one truth and Jesus Christ becomes our mediator when we face the one and only God that created us. If we do not let Him into our lives and receive his gift of salvation, then we have forfeited our gift of using Him as our 'lawyer in the courts of heaven.' Jesus already feels and knows everything you do and wants to protect, defend and love you; but we all must choose to accept Him as he is a gentleman and will never force Himself upon you. He does not and will not condemn you, He only wants to love and protect. There is no one else I would rather share my life with. How about you? You know it in your heart that what I have just said is true because you feel Him right now tugging at your soul. He is saying in His words "I want to love you and give you an eternal life of pure joy. I want to wash away your pain. The pain that only you and I know about. Why won't you just let me bless you? Why do you hold back? Don't wait. I am here." If I am wrong, then we're all crap-out of luck. If you are wrong and you don't listen to your heart... well, please don't find out the hard way. You have a chance now to say just one simple sentence. Knowing Jesus is much better than living without Him. And He doesn't really expect much from you. He just wants you to accept Him. Many can show you what I mean. Just say the words "Jesus I accept you into my life to save me. Wash me clean". That's the hardest sentence you will ever say out loud. Say it slowly with your heart behind it and you will see what I mean. Anyway, back to my story.

I needed to make a choice. I did not want to be judged. I wanted to go to heaven. I did not know how to go to heaven at that time, but I knew that answer could be found on earth and that is where I needed to go. In hindsight, it did not seem like I had much of a choice, but I had a choice none the less. God always lets us choose our path until the 'Day of Judgment'. On that day we will be judged for our decisions in life. Our judgment will be fair and just and the outcome of that judgment will dictate whether we live forever in 'Heaven or Hell'. Plain and simple. There are no variations, (sometimes the truth hurts).

Time was running out and at that moment pictures of my life hit me. I saw people in my life that would be severely hurt if I died at this time. Maybe even some vulnerable friends would have taken their own lives in their pain. It was those pictures that helped me to finally make up my mind. I decided to return to my body. [The clock now read 8...], and I was getting dangerously close to 'no return'. I was positive I wasn't ready to be judged. I knew I could come back to death later and I could not allow my selfish desires for knowledge to be the cause of the death of my close friends. I looked back to the sky where the cylinder channel to my life was deteriorating and made a bee-line for it. Going back to earth was like swimming against rapids. It was extremely difficult. If only I hadn't waited so long it would have been easier. I fought and fought and tirelessly fought. Exhaustion came quickly and a few times I wanted to give up, but I knew I was getting close when I saw what looked like a stiff mannequin rotating backward and ascending to consciousness. By the time I reached the top of the tube, I was so spent that I almost gave in to being sucked back in. I knew death was still close. I was still extremely dizzy but I could hear again and I could tell that I was lying in my bed. I grasped tightly onto my life. The first sound I heard was the furnace in the basement. It was a strange comfort but I knew I was far from done the fight. My heart soon started. The deafening sound of blood rushed through my ears and body. My heartbeat strongly but slowly. I then felt a severe headache (probably from the lack of oxygen to my brain) and my body was paralyzed. I paused for a moment thinking I could relax and gain strength. Almost immediately the dizziness grew stronger. "No!!!!" I said loudly in my mind as I grasped for my life again. I had to keep fighting or else that was it. I was extremely tired and uncertain how I was going to make it.

As I came closer to consciousness, the noise in my ears faded off and I tried to feel the rest of my body. I was still paralyzed and couldn't move. My strength could only take me so far. At this point, I began to panic. I couldn't stop here because death was still so close! I didn't want to die!!! I knew that if I fell back I would be too exhausted to make the trip back again. I tried to force my eyes open out of the dizziness - and succeeded. I peered at the ceiling trying to stabilize myself - and succeeded. The next step was to roll out of my bed. I tried to move my legs - and failed. I couldn't even move my big toe. Oh the panic!! It was then that I heard the TV in my parent's room down the hall. I knew my mother would hear me if I yelled. If only I could call her with my voice. The dizziness hit me again, I fought it and it subsided. Frustrated and frightened, I tried calling her name. Nothing came out. I wanted to cry. I concentrated on waking my lungs and voice from death. I attempted to take a deep breath and barely moved my rib cage. I felt like a baby discovering its body. I attempted another breath and managed to fill the very top of my lungs. When I used it to speak, only a faint squeak emanated from my throat. With every breath I took I became more in this world. I relearned my diaphragm and took a larger breath, (Still tiny compared to normal respiration). The second attempt revealed just a little hint of my normal voice. I decided it was taking too long and I would give it one more chance. I would muster all that I had for one short "Mom" If she didn't hear me then I would have to give up and die. I took a final breath and out came the word - at a good volume level, I may add. I surprised myself. "What is it?" was her reply. Not the answer I wanted. I wanted to hear her footsteps approaching me. I did not have the strength to replay again. I held on for a little while longer. I was still paralyzed so I concentrated awakening my fingers and toes. Thankfully my mother got up out of her room and approached my bedside, "What is it?" she repeated.

After a pregnant pause, I managed to utter the words "I stopped my heart from beating." Upon speaking that short sentence I felt her genuine concern in the air. She fell immediately to her knees, almost in tears and uttered a quick prayer under her breath that I could not hear. My strength was slowly returning. It helped greatly knowing she was just there beside me to fight with me if I needed. I moved my hand for the first time.

"Damian. There are people that can do that by choice. I have even read some of their books. You must promise me that you will never do that again." I uttered the word "Yes." I kind of wanted to explore some more when I had more strength. Then realized how reckless of an idea that really was. Because of that experience, the spirit of death plagued me every night for weeks, then on and off for years. My mom prayed, waited, and somehow understood what I was going through. I asked her to stay while I regained my strength and she did. When I regained my body enough, I chose to try to get up and move to the light of my parents' bedroom. It seemed safer and more 'real' than my room. I eventually got out of bed and documented the entire experience in my book of reflections to keep me awake. For the remainder of that night, I was deathly afraid to sleep. In fact that fear remained for many nights to come. I tried my best to stay awake as long as I could for the remainder of the night, and then realized I was so fatigued I had no choice but to rest. When I finally attempted sleep that night, the spirit of death tried to kill me by force. I fought it for a period and eventually managed to sleep without death. I figured it was better to do sleep when I had a little strength in me than to wait till after three days of insomnia to then fight the battle. I am glad I was successful. As mentioned before, for many days to come I would be tired at school or at home and when I tried to sleep the dizziness would return (by the way, this dizziness didn't feel 'normal', it was very easy to distinguish). In fact I feared sleep with a passion for about a month and a half after that night. Spirits of death also plagued my thought life for a time. I will explain that all later in my story, as there is much more. It was not easy fighting 'Death', but eventually with God I gained victory. I told no one of this experience for years. Near-death experience - May 29 1994 11:37 PM.

Chapter 4
The next day was strange. A little like the twilight zone. When I woke up the first thing that came to mind was the night before. I witnessed the sun cascading across my room and thought that today the sun would have risen without me. How long would it have taken before my whole world knew? What would be the reaction from my parents of this mysterious death? What would doctors say? Would there be a moment of silence at my school? How would my friends react? What shock would they feel? I made it a point that day to touch base with as many friends as possible to see how they were doing; thinking all the time I could be dead. I gained a new understanding and appreciation of the brevity of life. My parents and I never spoke openly about the events that transpired the night before. We mainly communicated through eye contact, facial expressions and the occasional "Are you ok?" "How are you doing?" "Are you ready to go to school?" We somehow understood and accepted what had happened. I partly think my parents weren't too surprised that I did something like this. After all, they were aware of my spiritual walk from birth and it didn't take long before everything fell back to normal. My account of the experience stayed filed (handwritten) in my 'Reflections Book' and still is there today. I refused to read from those pages for many years for fear it would re-open the door to 'Death'. It was an experience that still left me curious, but wisely not seeking answers in the same manner. I probably would have tried it again if the spirit of 'Death' had not continuously plagued me when I was weak. It was not worth the risk of experimenting again with control one night; to then find me out of control the next, and ending up dead. That strange night I broke a basic New Age rule "never open a door that you do not know how to close." I ignored that rule and reaped the benefits of my stupidity. In truth, any door you open in the New Age is impossible to close afterward; to think you can is a misconception. My story explains more of that later.

Finally, as powerful as stopping my heart from beating was, I now consider it a cheap parlor trick compared to what I know my Lord can do and has done. I have learned the hard way, that although parlor tricks, wizardry, and New Age can be fun, gifts like those are like a burning candle. The candle creates an enjoyable and tangible light that can be seen by many. You are the candle creating the light, and you are continually consumed until your wick is no more. The light fades. You had a good time. Now you are nothing. God's light is never-ending, not created by a consumable wick, and is accessed through praise and prayer. It does not consume you but makes you stronger. God's true power does far greater than everything in new age and occult put together. It took me over 20 years to come to that understanding, and it takes a lot of people longer. For some, it takes their whole lives. But it does catch up to them. If the truth does not meet you during your life, it will at your death and New Age will most definitely hurt you. It is not worth it. Plug yourself into a higher power. I will show you how to later. I promise. Oh yeah, and some of the questions about reincarnation and death will be explained in the next chapter.

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